Homelessness, Addiction & The Kindness of Others

Today we are going to meet Carl.

When the idea came through about giving voice to people who have been through a transformation, Carl was the first person who popped into my mind. Now, at this point, I didn’t know Carl, but I was ‘connected’ to him on LinkedIn. I heard his voice and I wanted to amplify it. I knew he had a story to tell that could inspire and support many others on their journey (I know-cliché word!). So, I contacted Carl, explained my idea and to my delight he was well up for it!

On this path called life, there are times when so many of us feel alone. Times when we’re carrying silent, unseen, unheard emotional pain….

By bringing light to these times, and voice to individual’s stories, I hope to show that we’re never truly alone on this human journey and actually we’re more connected than we even realise.

So, as I hand over to Carl’s story, sit back, and let it move you. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll recognise a small part of yourself in there too.

Carl allowed me to guide his story with some questions, some of which were quite deep….

We start in childhood. This is dear to my heart, as in recent times it has become more and more evident through research and science just how great an impact our childhood has on our mental health, physical wellbeing and relationships as adults.

Over to Carl….

I felt different as a child. Different to others. I was a very sensitive soul and I felt everything. When I was a child I remember always being scared, not knowing how to feel and not knowing how to react to just about any situation.

Over time, I was taught to suppress my feelings, my sensitivity. My mum was the eldest of 10 and grew up on a rough council estate in Leeds; she had children young. She was the kindest person, but she had learnt early on to protect herself, and she wanted me to be able to do the same.

Looking back my mum ruled with an iron fist; everything in the house had to be done and done correctly. My mum showed us lots of love even though she was hard. I loved our chats when it was just me and her, I absolutely adored her.

I don’t remember much from early childhood; I know my mum and dad split up before I turned 1. My dad got a new partner and quickly remarried, then my mum found a new partner and also remarried. So there was me, my mum, my stepdad and four siblings living at home. As you can imagine it was quite chaotic at times.

My dad was different, he never showed love. I don’t ever remember having a cuddle or him saying he was proud or even him saying I love you son. I could talk to mum about anything but not dad. I spent nearly every weekend with my dad, we went fishing which I never enjoyed but I just wanted to spend time with him so I went and hoped he would catch something.

Just to take a moment to reflect here; I think so many of us (recovering people pleasers) will be able to resonate with this. How many times did you do things that you didn’t enjoy as a child just to please someone close to you? We learn from a very young age to adapt our behaviour to please others, it’s a way of keeping ourselves safe. The problem is that it often follows us into adulthood, and we can easily lose connection with ourselves.

Back to Carl…..

I’ve often thought about what my childhood was really like. I can remember being scared quite a lot of the time; not because anything was wrong but scared of life around me, scared of being in situations, just living in fear quite a lot and I never really knew why.

I do remember feeling confused. I was sensitive, but I had to hide that. I had to put protective layers on, becoming the class clown, the joker at school. But underneath, that wasn’t really who I was.

My uncle was my best friend, he was only 18 months older than me. He was everything I wished I was. He was confident, outgoing, strong, good looking, very popular and everyone loved him. My mum hated him, she said he was trouble, which he was, looking back. Even at the time I knew he was trouble, but when I was with him I felt untouchable. I still had all the fear but I sort of felt like I would be ok.

My mum made us look after ourselves; we had to face our fears and truth be told I was scared to do so. I remember getting into a little fight when I was about 10 with my friend. I went in the house with a bloody nose and told my mum what had happened. She made me go back out and fight my friend again until I won!

I loved the estate we lived on, it was rough and I liked that! Growing up our house was filled with people, aunties, uncles and friends. It only took one phone call and everyone was around. I loved the energy. People having fun, drinking, eating and singing.

We visited my mum’s mum regularly; her house was a focal point for the family. I enjoyed seeing all my cousins there. My nan was disabled and in a wheelchair. I remember her so fondly. My mum’s dad was always present in our house. I loved seeing him, I idolised him if I am honest. He was so kind and loving. He was everything I genuinely wanted to be in a man.

All my grandparents died aged 59 and my mom died at 43. This hit me hard. I was only 19.

Growing up, I had lots of friends but always felt alone.

I used to give everything away to friends, I can see now it was like I was buying their friendship. This pattern has followed me around forever really.

I have had so many low points in my life. I have always felt different and never understood why.

I think you’ll agree that was a powerful start to Carl’s story.

Now, we move onto what Carl would describe as the lowest part of his life. The theme is addiction, with references to drugs and suicide. Carl is incredibly honest, and self-aware with his reflections. He told me recently that he doesn’t think he would have had this level of self awareness without going through what he has been through. We’ll start where we left off last time…..

I have had so many low points in my life. I have always felt different and never understood why. I constantly searched for answers and could never find any.

I have now learnt that I am and have always been an addict.

I never realised that until I started taking drugs and drinking, but I have always been addicted to things and even people. I would do anything to change the way I felt, but always to the extreme. It caused me so much trouble in my life and I could never understand why I was doing the things I was and how it was affecting me and the people around me.

If I am going to concentrate on my lowest point in life it would have to be when my drug and alcohol addiction really took off. I starting drinking more than usual and using drugs, on a weekend mainly. I loved the feeling it gave me. I became more and more confident over time and I loved the new me. All the feelings I tried to hide before now did not matter. I did not need to worry about anything.

Slowly the drugs started overtaking my entire life, they became my life. I did not care about anything apart from getting the thing my mind told me I needed so desperately.

My work was suffering, my relationship with my then partner was suffering and the relationship with my own children suffered immensely and if I am honest I just did not care.

I ended up getting fired from my job as I stole from them to pay drug debts. I did things I never thought I would. I was in the grip of addiction and there was no way out.

My partner had had enough, she tried and tried to help and support me. Everyone did but I just could not stop. We had an argument and I got arrested. I had drunk over 24 cans of beer and taken loads of drugs that day, so when I was arrested I was kept in the police cells overnight. The next day I was released and my partner had put all my belongings in the garden and she had moved in with her mum. We rented the house off her dad and as you could imagine, her parents wanted her away from me as soon as they could.

At this point I was officially homeless.

I stood there in the garden with all my belongings without a clue what to do. My first thought was how do I get a drink and how do I get some drugs. I managed to get a drink and sat in the garden getting drunk.

I rang my dad and told him what had happened, but he could do no more for me. He like everyone else had tried so hard but I just could not stop. I could never find a way out.

I had thought of suicide many times before and had even tried a couple of times. It now looked more inviting. I had lost the woman I loved, I had no home, my friends and other family had given up on me and quite honestly I had given up on me and I still could not get drink and drugs out of my mind. It was the only thing I could think about. It was like I was in someone else’s mind and not my own.

I spent a few nights sleeping in the garden with my belongings as I had nowhere to go and nowhere to store my things. I just did not know what to do but one thing I did know was I still could not stop drinking and taking drugs.

After a few days, I sloped off into Leeds city centre. I spent my first night what I would class as street homeless (not staying in my garden) in a little sort of a closed of area just right on the outskirts of the city centre. I found a tree that was out of the way that offered me a little shelter as it was also raining. I lay down not knowing what was going to happen through the night. Before I tried sleeping I remember wishing so desperately that I would not wake up. I just had nothing left to give. My mind had gone, I had no partner, no job, very little family or friends, I did not know if I would ever see my children again and I still could not stop drinking and drugging.

This went on for a little while until one day my brother came and found me.

My brother had been a massive support for years but he understood I was done and he could do no more for me, he like everyone else was waiting for me to die but he came to me with one final idea/chance/intervention.

He had got me a place in rehab, and told me to be there at 3pm if I wanted a chance of turning my life around.

I remember it was throwing it down and I thought how come he hasn’t offered to take me. I now know why, he wanted to see if I would show up or not.

That was the start of my new life.

Wow. This was a powerful read. It’s a reminder that from the outside we can be living a ‘normal’ life with a partner, a job, a home and friends and family around us, but that certainly doesn’t mean that everything is okay ‘inside’.

Carl has mentioned a few times how he felt different, he felt alone despite being surrounded by people, and how he didn’t always have a lot of confidence in himself. In truth, he felt pretty negatively about himself. This is something which I believe is more common than most of us care to admit! To feel more confident and to mask his feelings, Carl found drink and drugs. But there are other cruxes out there…..

Some people use work to make them feel better, others may use exercise to the extreme. Sometimes it’s things that look ‘healthy’ on the outside that are used to mask emotional pain and the belief that you’re not good enough.

I asked Carl what advice he would give to others at the start of their sobriety journey and here’s what he said…

What would I want people to know at the start of their sobriety journey…

I never knew how to stop and the times when I did think about stopping (which was very rare) it felt too hard not drinking ever again.

I was told you just have to stop for today and deal with tomorrow tomorrow. Forever is way too much for us to deal with.

We have to learn to trust people.

We have to be open and honest, especially with ourselves.

I go to A.A meetings where I have a good friendship group of people who are exactly like me. We share our feelings and thoughts and we help each other.

I used to think so negatively about myself and wanted to die because of that…people would be better off without me but that is rubbish. We are people who have absolutely no clue how to feel feelings, how to express ourselves correctly and most of all we don’t know how to live.

We take drink and drugs because it is easier than facing all our fears. It is not our fault. I believe I was born this way as this is how I have felt my entire life.

Today I am learning to live.

If I could give younger me one piece of advice, I would say be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for everything and don’t take on the world’s problems. Think about yourself. I didn’t have a dream for myself when I was younger but I did have a dream and that was for the whole world; I wanted there to be no sadness, no pain in the world.

Now I know, you need to look after yourself before you can help anyone else.

Carl’s words are important for us all on this crazy journey called life. We have to look after ourselves before we can help others, and then, you may be that one person who makes all the difference to someone else. We don’t always know the impact we’re having on other people’s lives but everyone we come into contact with we DO have an impact on.

I asked Carl who or what has helped him most on his journey and his answer was a reminder of this.

My boss Andy and his wife Helen. Andy gave me a chance when he had no reason too. He took a massive chance on me. Without them both, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I now feel like I have a future. I have had jobs before but not like this, now I feel like I’ve got a future.

What a beautiful reminder of humanity at its finest!

Carl is an incredible human being and I know there’s even more great things on the horizon for him. Someone took a chance on him, and now he’s passionate about spreading that love to help others and raise awareness. Andy’s action have had a ripple effect.

Carl now works for Howarths Foundation helping people that are hidden homeless back into employment.

When I asked Carl about his story, he wrote it down for me. What you have read here has barely been edited and when I complemented Carl on his writing he was surprised; replying ‘’I’m no good at writing, I can’t spell and I’m not great with punctuation.’’ Now, I’m not a rocket scientist but I would bet that he heard that as a child. A reminder that our words stick, and also have a ripple effect long into adulthood.

We get to be the change.

Which side of the ripple do you want to be on?

Thank you to Carl for his honesty, his openness and his heart. When we share, we make space for others to open and share too. It starts one person at a time.

Individually we can be strong, but together we can truly thrive.

If you want to read more about Howarths Foundation and the incredible work they do to support the homeless, click the link below:

Howarth's Foundation

As always, thank you for reading.

If you, or anybody else you know would like to share your transformation story, then I would love to hear from you.

Rach